To Porky...

I'll never forget scouring the Internet for pugs in that empty, quiet 4 bedroom house. Newly married, just moved to an Island, your dad just went on his first deployment and had bought me Bruiser to keep me company and feeling safe. But I knew we were missing something, someone special. I needed you. 

Your Dad emailed and said "no more dogs!" & "no new dogs on deployment!" I told him B needed a friend & maybe he did, but ALL I knew then was I needed you. I kept searching. I checked all over the island to no avail. No pugs to be found anywhere. I debated on sending a pug from Australia to Hawaii.

Then one day on the way home from the grocery store I felt the need to stop by the pet store near our house. I cared not about the ice cream melting in the car or the milk spoiling. I had a clear calling to you. I watched in the Window as your brother and sister attacked you while you tried to nestle in the corner alone. I asked the clerk to take you out of there and you were thankful for the reprieve. Fell fast asleep in my cupped hand.
Needless to say I challenged my new marriage that day. I maxed out our only credit card with an incredibly high interest rate because I knew I had to have you. Very uncharacteristic of me. We were so poor Porky, but I didn't care. I went against your dad's wishes. I never make decisions like that without him. But we belonged together po. I know that now. My heart obviously knew it then.

I brought you home and took tons of photos of you. I remember thinking how cute it was that you were the size of my size 6 foot. I sent photos to grandma and dad (who wasn't thrilled). Bruiser sniffed you & for a second I was nervous when he just walked out of the hallway. But then he reappeared with a toy as if to say, "welcome! Here's how we do it around here!" (He was a bit less enthusiastic the next day when he figured out you were staying and he'd have to share the attention now, lol).

Melissa Gumm, our neighbor saw us in the backyard playing and came out to meet you and introduce you to her fur baby Bella. It didn't take Melissa long to figure out that you had ticks  & then came the worst experience of my life. Melissa put vegetable oil on you and got the ticks off, but I was so scared you'd give Bruiser ticks so I had to crate you overnight and leave you in the corner of the living room all night. You cried and cried & truthfully I did too upstairs, all night right along with you. I promised myself I'd never cage you again & I didn't. I never crate trained you or B. I did duffle bag you to take you from Hawaii to the mainland when we moved to WA state & then once more to bring you back here in January. But you rode in the cabin with me, I paid extra and shoved you in the biggest bag allowed. I never ever separated from you Po.

I tried teaching you to walk on a leash by going to the mailbox daily, you were stubborn... You despised it. You ate the leash, you refused to walk by putting the breaks on. I stayed patient and never gave up on you. You were very, very difficult to potty train, but then again I went to school for 10-12 hours a day, 2x a week and I worked 3x a week. But again I kept at it & after what seemed like eons, you were somewhat potty trained when dad got home. I remember when you first met your dad. You did whatever Bruiser did at that point in your life & he ran to see dad for the first time in months. You toy soldiered yourself right behind him (you hadn't yet learned to bend your knees) watched Bruiser licking and loving dad, looked up at dad and scurried right back to me. Scary guy mom! You & your dad had a lot of work to do & although you never took to him like you did to me, you loved him and he loved you too.

I worried about you during your hernia repair surgery. Your dad and I slept on the floor downstairs on an air mattress so you wouldn't have to climb the stairs after your surgery. I cuddled you and we (dad, bruiser & myself) watched movies with you while you recovered. We were so thankful our short nosed dog pulled through anesthesia so well.

You had some health problems and boy do I wish we hadnt settled for the "gastroentitis" diagnosis... clearly now I see That's not what you had. I'm sorry po I didn't dig deeper into what ailed you. I believed that with top quality, high cost food and treats you were fine. And for the most part you were. I always took you to the doctor when you were sick and to your regular check ups. But, I let you down at the end, when I took you off the food I couldn't find here on the island and put you on a holistic dog food that was too high in fat for your pancreas. I didn't know po. I didn't know it was your pancreas. I just tried to find something of great quality that you would eat. After trying several foods you wouldn't eat, I was so relieved when you ate this one. That killed you :*(

But back to the good. Po I took you and Bruiser everywhere with us. Your dad and I drove for 23 hours straight from WA state to CA many times so we didn't have to leave you guys behind. There were flights po, but we knew how much you both hated duffle bags. We flew you from Hawaii years ago and back months ago. We took you with us from vafb and grover to Hanford and pretty much everywhere. We took you on our vacation to Canada. It wouldn't have been a family vacation without you. You were a traveler po. You saw more than many people see in their lives.

You were my fur child po. You were my friend. You always will be. You were there for every deployment, my miscarriages, the birth of my children, the lonely nights of recruiting duty, the loss of my grandma... You were there to kiss and snuggle me. I loved your corn smell when I folded my face in your neck. I thought I helped you. No. You helped me. You got me through many dark moments. You filled my heart with joy and happiness. You taught me both frustration and patience in caring for a dog with an illness & special needs. People had to work hard to get you to trust them. And for those you did give that trust to, well, they felt blessed and thankful because they knew how special they were to have earned that love from you.

I don't know if I'll ever sleep the same without your snoring. I'll miss people mistaking your snorting for growling. You would never hurt a soul po... Too gentle, too sweet, too kind. I'll miss trying to make you boogie board and seeing your wet ears strapped tightly to your head staring at us from the beach full of concern as we tortured Bruiser and made him boogie board too. I'll miss watching your ears flap in the wind as we drove in the car. I'll miss dressing you up on Hallloween and for steelers game days. I'll miss telling you to stop barking and liam's first words you helped him learn "baaa daaah!" From all the barking. I'll miss watching you with Lorelei. Boy did you love licking her face. I'll miss you lighting up when I said "walk", "dinner" or "treats". I'll miss our walks, watching you run freely exploring on the beach & your dopey grin of happiness. Oh and I'll miss not being able to bake you a birthday cake and not buying you a Christmas gift or the latest in comfy dog beds :*(

You weren't just a dog po, you were a faithful, loyal companion who completed the start to our lives & family. You are and always will be missed. Our hearts will forever have an empty spot because you can't physically fill it, but they will be full with memories of love & happiness. Bless you for being able to cram all that into such a small little body. We are forever touched by your life. Sleep now Peacefully. Until we meet again...

I love you po. I hope you know how much. I hope you were happy. I hope you know how much I regret trusting that you had gastroentitis. I'm sorry my friend. I'm sorry you held on for me. I'm sorry I had to put an end to your suffering. We miss you po. Bruiser misses you. Give him strength please po. Give me strength. Find me again in a healthy body. I will search for you. I will never, ever forget you. I'll carry you with me always. Snout kisses baby. I love you. Thank you po. Thank you. I'm better because of you. May you rest in peace.