Back for more therapy. I really need to get this all out! Warning, some of this may be too much for the male audience.
So last week Friday, I had some mild cramping show up with the spotting I already had. I asked a wonderful friend to come over and watch Liam while I headed to the ER, since my doctor's office had closed for the day. When I was finally seen, they determined that my cervix was the issue. Doc started inquiring about cervical cancer, cysts, etc.? Because my answers were all "no" he was quite baffled and said I definitely need to follow up with my OB to figure out what the problem is :(
He sent me for an ultrasound. That didn't go well either. They didn't see anything in the sac (such a familiar story!). Doc said perhaps it was too early, but I knew that a 10mm sac should show SOMETHING. So I've had a little over a week (I sensed something was wrong days before) to mentally prepare myself for yet another miscarriage. I am SO disappointed in myself and so upset that my kids won't be 2 years apart. I wanted them to be close, which is the reason I wanted to have a summer 2012 baby. That obviously won't be happening!
Also, we are sort of on limited time due to Kevin returning to sea duty in August 2012. If he resumes the schedule he USUALLY has while on sea duty, we will NEVER conceive (that was the problem we had in WA, low and behold as soon as we were put on shore duty, we ended up pregnant with Liam!). That and I am running short on time (hey I'm not getting any younger... how will I fit in 2 more kids?). I worry that turning 30 will only raise my risk of more miscarriages and let's face it, I'm doing good at that all on my own!
For now, I am PRAYING my body will miscarry naturally. I hear it is PAINFUL and symptoms last longer than the d&c (and that lasted a long time). But, I cannot risk more scarring (and I hope that is not the problem now!). I THINK my miscarriage is going to start very soon (lots of signs are there... all of which I will have to do without pain meds, as my doc is again out of the office!). I'm praying I do this ON MY OWN and do not get an infection, so I don't end up needing a d&c. Leave it to me to start a painful miscarriage on one of my husband's ONLY 3 day weekends, when we had planned some much needed family time!
I've set up an appt. with my regular doctor to get a referral to a fertility specialist. I will need tests to figure out why I continue to miscarry (my research has indicated that it may be as simple as a hormonal imbalance or as complicated as scarring on my uterus due to my d&c, meaning I would need an HSG). I am leaning more towards hormones, since I've had two miscarriages, one before I ever had surgery. Nonetheless, I am MAD at my doctor because I thought I had a hormonal imbalance from the beginning and asked him to check my progesterone and put me on a shot (if needed). He basically called me paranoid. Well, thanks doc, here I go down the same road again, due to your lack of sympathy. Not sure if he will want me in for my u/s on Thurs. or not (it's NOT going to show anything good, that's for sure!), but figure he will probably want to see where we are at in the mc process.
Anyways, I have NO IDEA how long the process with a specialist will take and know they recommend you give your body 3 months to recover after a d&c (not sure how long after a natural miscarriage, hopefully not as long!). Liam will be 17 months old on Sunday, so add on at least 1 month or more of miscarriage and 3 months recovery and I'll have a 21 month old when I conceive (Lord willing) IF everything works out right. By the time I gave birth (Lord willing) he would be 30 months old. NOT IDEAL! NOT what I was planning (and I am such a planner!). But, I have to learn to let go :( in more ways than one.
I am heartbroken that we are losing another baby. I have NO IDEA why this keeps happening and am starting to worry that I will never have another, let alone two more. I LOVE being a mother and am just so confused as to why God doesn't think I'm good enough to fulfill the role further.
If I sound like I am not mourning the loss of yet another baby, please understand, I have known this for almost two weeks now and have mourned and come to terms with our loss. I've said goodbye and prayed that when this baby is meant to be, he will find his way back to us.
Sorry for my rant, careless flow of thoughts and pity party but it all needed to come out. I would like to say, I always knew Liam was a blessing, but truly understand that he is a MIRACLE, a true gift from God.Furthermore, Kevin you're an amazing person, but an exceptional husband. You have been my friend and cheerleader every step of the way and are even willing to continue on this journey with me. Cannot say I would NOT give up on me and call one child good enough. I know your heart aches too babe and appreciate your willingness to work this out and endure this pain along with me. I am truly, truly blessed to have you and Liam by my side.
And to my friends and family (both near and far) MOM, Kristin, Carla, Jennifer, Kimber who are checking in on me regularly, being positive and encouraging or providing day care for my son... BLESS YOU! You have NO IDEA what your support means to me during a time like this! I cannot thank you enough. Words just do not express.
Blessings to all. Oh and count your blessings too, especially if they are dear children. Grateful for mine and holding him extra close these days!
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